Wednesday, May 29, 2013

Ah, Religion. Pandemonium is Thy Name

Why the Fear? Why the Shame? Why the Hate?
Where is the Strength? Where is the Glory? Where is the Love?

     Ephesians 1:19 says, "I also pray that you will understand the incredible greatness of God's power for us who believe in Him. This is the same mighty power."

     Hebrews 13:9 says, "So do not be attracted by strange, new ideas. Your strength comes from God's grace, not from rules about food which don't help those who follow them."

     I Peter 4:11 says, "Whoever speaks, is to do so as one who is speaking the utterances of God; whoever serves is to do so as one who is serving by the strength which God supplies; so that in all things God may be glorified through Jesus Christ, to whom belongs the glory and dominion forever and ever. Amen."

     I Peter 1:5 says, "And through your faith, God is protecting you by his power until you receive this salvation, which is ready to be revealed on the last day for all to see."

     Read the above verses and then watch this video. The guy in the video is a real piece of work; I'm talking full-on paranoia. But, listen to what he says about Homeland Security and all that fun stuff and then consider what he says about the government planning to confiscate weapons from Christians in particular. It does sound really screwy on the part of the government to even think about doing such a ridiculous thing, yes indeed. 

      I am not for gun control per se and I do not approve of how our government is approaching the issue, but I want you to consider WHY the government would feel or think it needed to take such a measure. There are a lot of Christians who will not like the answer, right? And what is that answer, what is that possible reason that the government would consider taking guns from religious groups?
      Simple: these groups are convinced in some grand battle called Armageddon where they will literally be fighting the forces of evil led by Satan who spawned the anti-Christ. Many people in these groups are absolutely convinced that we are in the last stages of the world and humanity will soon cease to exist as we know it. These groups also believe that they will be persecuted and punished far and above any other group and must do whatever possible in order to survive until Jesus comes back to save them. This includes having access to weapons.
     It does not stop there does it? Nope. Any legislation or freedom or right or whatever that is recognized and granted to ANY group or individual contrary to these whacked out religious groups is automatically labeled as another sign that imminent war is actualizing before our very eyes. And as groups who think and live and love differently continue in their lives and push for true equality the religious nuts of the nation prattle on and on how America is being taken away from Christians and how God's people need to reclaim America...and they are serious about this.

     I am not saying that the government response is the correct response, but I am saying it is a major reason why the government is doing what it is doing. Even THAT will not be recognized for what it really is by the uber-religious, and will instead be taken well out of context to mean that we are all the closer to all-out, fend-for-yourself-and-your-own-family war. 
     These people are fucked in the head. Do you want people who are fucked in the head having great access to a lot of weaponry? Of course not. But the pandemonium from some of the religiously deficient of the universe are not helping one goddamn thing with deluded and paranoid behavior peppered with crazy accusations and prognostications of what supposedly is really going on in the world. Religion totally screws  EVERYTHING up for EVERYONE involved...even those who want nothing to do with religion.

     Oh look, Bruce Jenner's evil twin offers screwy advice and bits of stupidity masquerading as knowledge.

     Get your popcorn. Here is more from the jittery guy in the first video. He does come across as jittery, doesn't he? Maybe too much coffee or something. Too much religion and paranoid thinking, hah!

     Never mind that this video is totally glorifying this grand end-of-all-time battle that many religions love to plug, but why would Christians need to fight anyways, right? Aren't Christians supposed to be imbued with the power of God? The few verses mentioned at the beginning of this blog say so and so do countless other verses in the Bible. So, tell me because I am curious...what happened to all the power that has been promised Christians by this ramshackle religion-wielding God? Humm? 

     Is it that the power of God wanes? Is He strong sometimes and not at other times? Oh wait, it is a test by God to you to measure your loyalty to Him, right? And since this God is supposed to be so powerful and to grant so much power to the Christians, why why WHY are so many religious folk out there so goddamn afraid of rock music, television, Hollywood, gays, lesbians, equality, literature contrary to religion...the list goes on FOREVER.

     Where is all this fear that many in religion have come from? There is no need for it if the one you serve really and truly grants you what He has apparently promised you in the Bible. Is it one of those deals where you have to wait until God is good and ready to grant you the power He has promised? Do you have to wait until Armageddon? Why are you so afraid of gays and lesbians having rights if your God is powerful and gives you the power you are supposed to have? If you truly have this power there is no reason WHATSOEVER that you should be afraid of anything. That is not by any means a permission slip to do as you please, but you are not supposed to be so goddamn afraid.

     Listen to what this guy says, " bring everything in creation into harmony with God," along with a whole bunch of other poppycock. Harmony with God, huh? Well if that is the case the harmony of your God is wicked, cruel, mean, premeditating in such horrible fashions, and He has no goddamn heart or sense considering all of the suffering He allows and the fighting that He purposely instigates.

     And the words spoken in this video, if you look at them from the standpoint of religion (any violent religion really) you will see how ludicrous they are. People made to fight? No. No no no. People were not made to fight. The stupidity of religion and the Holy Bible would like for you to think that people were made to fight (for God no less) but this is a terrible spiritual aberration and an even worse misinterpretation.

     This is an interesting sermon given by someone who apparently truly believes and thinks (if in great error) that it is the devil who goes about fucking things up for people. Sure, this guy says, that people do suffer as a consequence of their own stupidity and bad choices and mistakes, but not all of it is their fault, right? Some of it is just the DEVIL doing things ON PURPOSE to get people to turn away from God and to purposely and with great spiritual malice try to separate God's greatest creation (man) from the greatest power (God).

     The examples of devil-spawned oppression are classic textbook examples of people with depression, issues, emotional issues, psychological issues, and social interaction issues. It has absolutely DICK to do with any God or devil and everything to do human maladies whether they be real or imagined or physical or psychological.

   The example he gives is even more ridiculous. His grandfather and another female relative didn't speak to each other for forty years because they were fighting over some family Bible that each thought they should have for themselves. The guy giving the sermon tries to say that it was the Devil whispering to them, purposely getting them to fight over something so trivial.

     No. No no no. That is all fucking wrong. There was never any devil trying to get them to fight over some freaking Bible. There was no devil working furiously to use faith as a weapon, to turn siblings against each other, to take faith and turn it into fighting. No. These idiots did that shit to themselves and the fact it was over a flipping Bible is testament to the level of their stupidity.

     So, yoga and transcendental meditation and astrology are bad and evil and wicked? They changed your character? Lady, it is the INDIVIDUAL who makes the choices that shapes their character. As far as your warnings about soothsaying and astrology and such...well, you are all over the place on such subjects. Did you fail to recall the many times in the Bible that a judge or prophet practiced soothsaying? You say something about astrology being wicked. Really? Are you SURE about that? So, what do you call the birth of Christ being marked by a star in the sky?

     You talk about people being saved by faith and not signs. Well, if THAT isn't one of the biggest fuck-ups in the Bible I don't know what would be, for you see on the one hand the Bible says signs are worthless being as though people are saved by faith, you follow? Then, on the other hand the Bible turns around and says people will know it is the supposed End Times by the signs. Talk yourself out of that one. Really, talk yourself out of that one and give it your best shot because I really want to know.

     Prognostication and witchcraft and anything having to do with the occult is bad? Humm. I am confused here because there are plenty of examples in the Bible of those things in particular. The Judges of the Old Testament regularly prognosticated, practiced dream interpretation, used magic or some form of it, and cast curses and spells.

     We will sidestep the part in the Bible about the talking snake encouraging the first woman to do something she was not supposed to do, consequently dragging her husband down with her. Why don't we start with Cain after he killed his brother. Cain beseeches God to help Cain out. Why? Cain killed his brother and is worried that wherever he goes folks will give it their best effort to kill him or assault him in some manner. What does God do to help him out? He puts a 'mark' on Cain that will indicate to people to leave Cain alone.

     So what was this mark God put on Cain? It can really go either way on the argument. Assuming for the moment that we are pursuing this fairy tale as actual truth consider that the mark could have been literal, right? A scratch, burn, scar, outward manifestation of some kind of human physiological anomaly...etc. Or, much like God does throughout the entire Bible the mark could have been spiritual, something not seen by regular human eyes but with spiritual vision. THAT would constitute a spell, charm, hex, or something parallel in definition of the same.

     Then there is the story of Korah and how the earth opened up and swallowed him whole. How about Baa-lam's talking ass (of the donkey variety)? How about the kings in the Old Testament that regularly asked the prophets to show them a sign for any variety of reasons? The ten plagues of Egypt also come to mind. Don't forget Moses parting the Red Sea. Oh, and Moses' people begging him to speak to God on their behalf to provide the water they needed to stay alive striking a rock so it would produce the water his people desperately needed. Wait, didn't Joshua momentarily practice astrology as he commanded the sun and moon to remain fixed in the sky so that they would continue providing light for Josh and troops to decimate whatever enemy they were up against? 

     So which is it? Are these things wicked or not? If such things are wicked as declared by God then WHY do the leaders of God's people persistently practice such things? I know what it is. God makes exceptions for His people. Well, that and the fact that in the Bible these practices go by different names.

     Anyways, the lady in this video discusses all of these 'wicked' things and distractions that are of grave danger to believers. Again, this is a stupid idea since believers are supposed to be imbued with God's own power. According to the Bible God's power is immense, complete, and eternal. 

     If that is the case believers would not have to look out for any particular danger since the power of God would render complete protection. And don't even try to say that sometimes God punishes His people/children by revoking His power. This is another dead argument. The power of God is supposed to be all-encompassing and forgiving and filled with love.

     I suppose the bottom line here would be just another double standard that institutionalized religion loves to wave about.

     This lady's accent is priceless and reminds me of the way the characters in the movie Fargo spoke. 
     Somehow all of the grand love of God is withdrawn from those who curse. You've got to be fucking kidding me. Don't these people read their own goddamn Bible? It says love conquers all. I bet that includes cursing.

     Another doomsday Christian offers yet another hopeless and depressing prediction for the fate of mankind. This guy also believes that Christian rights are being violated. That's a crock. The problem is what many worshipers of the Bible's God hold to be true: only Christians are moral and therefore the only group that should be in control of just about everything, and the only group that deserves to dine on freedom and liberty and life in general.

     In general institutionalized religion as well as many Christians are quite accustomed to telling people what to do, what to think, what to study, what to accept, who to love...etc. They think such things are expressly their 'God given' right as children of God. The press for true equality is a labor of love and now that legislation is finally being drafted and enacted to actualize this ideal of equality and freedom, well, Christians are losing their death grip on one of the things they cherish the most: control of others.

     Christians are horribly confusing their loss of power to control all others as a loss of religious freedom. They couldn't be more wrong.

     What about shame and what about glory? Sure, there are verses in the Bible that say not to be ashamed of the gospel for it is the power of God but that seems to have no effect whatsoever on those Christian individuals and groups who behave in downright cruel fashion. Then when you point this out to them they adamantly hold that they do God's work and if the people they 'minister' to feel threatened or allege shameful behavior...well, they simply do not understand the mind of God since being an unbeliever automatically interprets to the shame of sin for not believing. Right.

     The supposed glory to be found in God and His Mad-Lib religions is AWOL. Unless you consider berating people with Bible-based beliefs, fighting wars based on religion, and revoking rights based on what your religion says as to who is deserving of such right and then interpret those things as glory. Pretty screwy and unethical, but that is God, right? He at least gets points for being consistent with this type of behavior.

     So, if you believe in God and the Bible and the salvation of Jesus then you have the authority to do what you have to do in order to 'witness' or 'experience' or 'fellowship' with non-believers in an effort to convert them. Do not be ashamed for mistreating gays and lesbians and religions different than yours or cultural practices different than yours since you were called by God.

     You know, the assholes who strap bombs to their bodies and fly planes have the very same ideology: they have the power and authority and even the requirement  to do every thing possible to advance their own version of God and His plan for mankind. And out of His gracious appreciation for the deluded followers doing whatever God said to do He will be sure to clothe them with glory when they are dead. Fucking stupid.

     This is precisely the issue of separating church and state. It is crucial to keep religion out of politics, even the religions that participate under the guise of morality. Christianity is nowhere near morality and neither is Islam for that matter, but that is okay since God and Jesus and Allah want you to do everything possible to convert the masses and cast those who will not buy into your bullshit out, conveniently labeling them as heretical, subversive, divisive, immoral, and damned.

     Here is an interesting video that discusses the possibility that practicing Christianity in the military results in reaping a court martial. The way this guy puts it you would think the government hates Christians. This is a lie. The government does NOT want their troops divided in their loyalty. Why? The government and military leaders MUST have the absolute respect and loyalty of the troops. If the attention of the troops is divided and if the troops are more likely to follow what they THINK God wants from them or telling them to do in a time of war the solidarity of the troops is compromised.

     The government is NOT saying you cannot be Christian in the military. What it is saying is you cannot recruit your fellow troops. I bet the paranoid, not-willing-to-admit-their-deficiencies Christians would be thinking in a completely different matter if the law/regulation being considered referred to Islam or Wicca or atheism, right? Think about it. Say you have this very same scenario except the govt is saying it is considering making the sharing of atheism with fellow soldiers punishable by a court martial. Christians would be ALL over that shit trying to get it passed. An atheist has the capacity to express loyalty to anyone they deem worthy of such loyalty. Many other religions would allow such as well, so long as the religions are NOT Bible-based. With Bible-based faiths there is ONE loyalty and it sure as hell ISN'T the government or military officials.

     This video expounds on the above video and commentary. I find it somewhat surprising that the Christians who say they are threatened by this seems to NOT understand where the government is coming from. Christianity believes that everything will end, that Jesus is coming back soon, that all practices and beliefs outside of the Bible are evil and against God, that some people should NOT have personal freedoms and rights and liberties, that the United States has long been headed to hell in a hand basket, that there is no hope war will ever stop, and that individuals such as gays and lesbians and non-believers and atheists and all who believe in any OTHER religion are the enemy. The Bible very clearly says that in both the Old and New Testaments. The government does not want to limit what people may chose to believe in. The government wants to limit the spread of any kind of philosophy or ideal that preaches the destruction of this nation.

     Fundamentalist evangelicals should not even try to deny this as they are the same assholes who think that America was founded for Christians and that Christians need to take America back. Morons.

Tuesday, May 28, 2013

Perils of the Faith Forced Upon Gays and Lesbians

When Amendments to the Bible Supersede Amendments to the Constitution

     Many proponents of the idea that the United States of America was founded on Christianity would have you believe that the push for LGBT civil rights is the sign of all signs as to the end of this country's morality, the end of this country's status in world leadership, and a major clue as to the end of the world; yes, I realize I just over-simplified a rather large issue but you get the point.
     I think it is interesting to listen to uber-conservatives and religious alike try to explain how this country's values were not only created on, but in fact were loaded with points and doctrines taken from the Bible and applied directly to our civil and criminal laws. While such an idea is far fetched and insanely stupid what is even worse is when these same people try to use the Bible to re-interpret and even 'discover' what the Founding Fathers REALLY meant when drafting the Bill of Rights and the Constitution.
     This ridiculous trait is quite easily proven any time the LGBT community emerges victorious from a fight for civil rights and the religiously inept leap to the nearest pulpit to announce that the rights of the moral are being stunted while the rights of the immoral are being worshiped. 
     The particular argument that is most often referred to by thumpers and zealots alike is that the Founding Fathers intended the original rights and constitution to apply to a nation of people who love and respect and follow God, what God wants, and what the Bible says. These same people hold that this is why gay and lesbian marriage should be outlawed in entirety; the Bible and God say being gay or lesbian is wrong and immoral. 
     Since God invented marriage (that's a laugh!) to be between a man and a woman, and since being married is part of life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness, and since gays and lesbians are immoral the LGBT community should not be afforded and extended the same civil rights of life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. To do so would be to unravel the moral fiber this nation was founded on.
     Here in this video we have a gentleman speaking on both politics and faith. Bad idea. Faith does not belong in politics and if you need proof of what can happen when those two things are mixed take a good long look at history. This man thinks there must be a call to fasting and prayers of repentance. Wow. Really, what can you say to those who insist on mixing politics with religion? They are so enamored of their faith's myth and its supposed perfection that they forget they are in fact human. Not to mention that this faith and its Holy Bible are founded on a religion invented by humans who throughout history have made claims of receiving heavenly transmissions from God.
     Fortunately, there is a solution to strife. Of course there is. Love. If people showed themselves and each other more love more often there would be vast improvements within humanity across the board. And it would not matter who would love who or how. Love is what it is. Love really does conquer all but the small print is that the parties involved must allow it to do so. Of all the groups and philosophies in our world today that are the most stubborn and resistant to allowing love to do what it needs to do religion and its faithful drones take the cake; what other groups preach so much healing with immeasurable love and then follow with a good sermon or two on the limits of that all-powerful love?
     Unfortunately, institutionalized religion and its many sheep consistently confuse the characteristics of religion with the characteristics of love. In reality they have nothing in common. They have the idea that love conquers all correct but completely fail when it comes to applications of love. They even get what love consists of incorrect.
     The absurd fear that many 'people of faith' have when it comes to gay marriage is a phenomenon of the worst kind. Not only would many of the Christians in the US and the world have you believe that everything is headed down to hell in a hand basket (with the US at the front of the line no less) but they would also have you believe that a huge source for this nation's over-all problems stem directly from the LGBT community.
     How many times in the history of man have we seen the problems of one group blamed on another group? How many times have we seen the group that is being blamed subjected to extreme cruelty, desolation, prejudice, and genocide all because the group that is doing the blaming is completely convinced that once they rid themselves of the appointed scapegoat everything will get much better? Whatever man. What fucking ever.

     This is a funny spoof and reminds me of a discussion I had with an individual who tried their damnedest to convince me that the problem was not that I don't have rights since I am lesbian, but the true issue was that I simply have no idea or understanding what God wants from me and what He meant by life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness in the Constitution. For some reason this person included God as one of the actual Founding Fathers. Apparently His signature in agreement and endorsement of our founding documents is just as invisible as He is. Maybe some of the Christians out there in the world who are of the paranoid, fundamentalist, God-meant-this-country-to-be-for-straights type of people will watch this and come to at least a working understanding of how stupid and prejudiced they sound.

     I watched this one all the way to the end. It is really good and insightful.

     This is a video of the typical scared little puddy-tat that tries to equate morality with what is in the Bible. This guy even says that atheists are not qualified to ask questions in relation to the existence/non-existence of God. He more or less goes further to say that since atheists do not believe in God they do not have the prerequisites to interpret morality. This is precisely how those individuals and groups and organizations against LGBT rights argue that gays and lesbians have no rights or stunted rights.
     It is unfortunate that this man truly thinks that morality has anything to do with the Christian God. He uses circular reason and misinterpretation of atheist comments to try to prove his point. It it even more unfortunate that this man obviously has no clue as to the damage religion has done within humanity since its inception.

     People are so goddamn stupid sometimes. This guy asserts that supporters of gay marriage are delusional and HE can prove it. By watching this guys video you will come to know that you are delusional, well, provided that you are not already in denial about your delusions. Hah! Good stuff. Gooooood stuff.
     Where does this guy get the impression that gays are viewed as a race? Sexual preferences NOT compared by those who support gay marriage? Listen to this entire speech the guy gives and you will see he struggles with equating being gay or lesbian with a crime. Being gay or lesbian is not a crime similar  or even remotely connected to bestiality or child sex crimes and things of such a nature. Those things are deviant behavior and are crimes as well. Being gay or lesbian is not deviant, nor are they crimes..
     Be careful watching this particular video as people have come away from watching it feeling markedly dumber. It wears off, thankfully.

     This is priceless. This guy is hilarious. No one ever said that all atheists made sense, least of all this hooligan. Put this guy on a poster and add the caption "Don't Let Lack of Education Happen to You."

Saturday, May 25, 2013

Deferring to Jesus

     Have no fear, oh adherents of Christianity! If you ever fail or do not know what to do Jesus can help. In fact, here is some advice that Jesus recently laid out for his groupies.

What I Would Do
By: Jesus

I saw the funniest thing the other day while shopping in a gag gifts shop. Are you familiar with the little eight-ball thingies that give you answers when you ask them questions and then turn them upside down? I saw one of those, but instead of being set in an eight-ball it was set in a little pink statue of me. The answers the little pink me offered were “I Would”, “Hell No”, “Maybe”, “It Is Possible”, “I Wouldn’t”, and “Only If No One Is Watching”.
Since so many people are so interested in what I would do and what my opinions and thoughts are on various issues I will tell you. I will do this by presenting some of the correspondences sent to me asking questions. I will relay the answers I gave to each questioning individual. Please keep in mind that these letters have no particular order and I number them for simplicity’s sake.
Letter 1
“Dear Jesus, my car has recently been impounded again. What should I do?”
John Harper, Topeka, Kansas
“Dear John, stop driving without insurance, you ninny!”

Letter 2
“Deer Geezus, Gas is got real ‘spensive, an I cain’t nary afford to take the brats tuh skool. Whut shold I do?”
Thad Pickens, Vail, Arkansas
“Dear Thad, buy a horse, because if your road sign reading skills are as bad as your writing skills you should not be driving.”

Letter 3
“Dear Jesus, I think the cops in my area are trying to harass me. I have received sixteen speeding tickets this week alone. What should I do?”
Stephanie Glenn, Los Angeles, California
“Dear Steph, slow the fuck down!”

Letter 4
“Dear Jesus, I have stopped smoking crack but things are not progressing like I hoped they would. What do you recommend I do?”
Barron Rickson, Los Banos, California
“Dear Barron, I recommend you stop popping the pills. You did stop the crack and I am proud of you for that. But, then you replaced the crack with valium. You cannot replace one bad habit for another and expect good results.”

Letter 5
“Dear Jesus, I am very frustrated with the programming on cable television. Whenever I don’t have cable all the good shows and movies are on. Whenever I do have cable the silver screen suddenly loses all concepts of reasonable and interesting shows. What the heck would you do?”
Russell Speelock, Providence, Rhode Island
“Dear Russell, if you know that every time you subscribe to cable that the programming takes a nose-dive then don’t subscribe to the freaking cable. Get one of those special little ‘black boxes’ that hawk the cable signal for free. You won’t be paying for cable then and it stands to reason that the programming will still be great.”

Letter 6
“Dear Jesus, I don’t know exactly what my problem is. What I do know is I have a real problem finishing projects or various activities that I start. Sometimes I do get really, really close to finishing a project…and then I crap out. Am I stupid or what? What do you recommend?”
Worried and Anxious, Passamahquaddy, North Dakota
“Dear Worried, you’re stupid. First you say you don’t know what your problem is. Then you say you have a problem finishing the projects you start. I recommend lithium at high doses.”

Letter 7
“Dear Big Man, my seventeen year old son is considering joining the military. This scares the hell out of me considering that as years go by it seems like America is fighting a whole bunch of other peoples’ wars. My son is so young and so smart. I am scared to my very core for him. What can be done?”
Gorsky Spvotnik, Boise, Idaho
“Dear Gorsky, I know how you feel, I really do. I know it is difficult to watch your children grow and start making their own choices. In the end, we must allow our children to make their own choices. Sometimes what we think is good for them isn’t good for them, much less something they want. If that answer doesn’t help, well, break your son’s legs. Both of them. He won’t be going anywhere for a while then. Plus, if he is somehow permanently maimed the military will not allow him in. Think about that one.”

Letter 8
“Dear Jesus, I was gambling the other day at one of the local Native American gambling establishments where I live. I like playing cards and so I set up shop at one of the Paigow tables. I changed in five hundred dollars and prepared to enjoy a night of gambling. Within eight minutes I burned through the five hundred and had to go to the ATM to get more money. I lost a whopping sixteen thousand dollars that night. How could this happen? I’ll tell you how…the dealers cheat! I know they change the cards when I look away, that their shuffle machine purposely stacks the cards in favor of the dealer, and that if the dealer does not like a certain player that player will consistently lose. I do not know who to contact about this serious problem. Do I go to the casino security, casino Human Resources, or the casino Gaming Commission? What would you do?”
Jose Delgado-Cruz, Sacramento, California
“Dear Jose, if I were you I think I would hang myself, you moron. Do you really think the gambling business was built on winners? Tell you what, why don’t you go and sell a kidney, triple mortgage your home, and then blow all the money in five minutes of play at a Casino War table to make your circle of stupidity complete.”

Letter 9
“Dear Jesus, I recently had a discussion with a friend of mine concerning who people should vote for in the upcoming elections. I said I was not going to vote for any of the good-for-nothing, shit-for-brains politicians. My friend said that not voting was a cop out and that if I do not vote I have zero right to complain. In my personal opinion I would rather abstain from voting rather than cast a ballot for people I never wish to be in charge. I told my friend I did not care to vote for such terrible politicians. What would you do in my position?”
Reanna Wilson, San Antonio, Texas
“Dear Reanna, I would bitch-slap your friend and then remind them that people who thought they were voting for the lesser evil in the 2000 U.S. Presidential Elections are now kicking themselves. The spawn of number forty-one sure as hell fucked things up now, didn’t he?”

Letter 10
“Dear Jesus, my kids and I were trying to count how many times the ‘f’ word is said in the movie Scarface. We keep losing count at about forty-three. What would you do?”
Jerry Nolan, Anaconda, Florida
“Dear Jerry, I would give up trying to count how many times the ‘f’ word is said in that movie. Time and again I myself have tried to count how many times it is said. I almost always lose count at about thirty-three. So, you have done better than me, actually. Be happy with that and move on.”

Letter 11
“Dear Jesus, I love playing Blackjack, but sometimes I get confused about the rules. If you had a pair of eights and the dealer is showing a six what would you do?”
Devin Merrick, Lebanon, Missouri
“Dear Devin, eights and aces are the only pairs in Blackjack that always split. Keep in mind this goes for single deck, double deck, four deck, and six deck Blackjack games.”

Letter 12
“Dear Jesus, I am always a dollar short and a day late. If you were in my shoes what would you do?”
Kellen Walch, Fort Belvoir, Virginia
“Dear Kellen, first I would take off your shoes and change your socks. They smell like rancid cheese. Then, I would sent out an extra payment a day early.”

Letter 13
“Dear Jesus, I have had this itching for three straight weeks now. It is driving me up the friggin’ wall! What should I do?”
Bobby Locke, Candlewick, Oregon
“Dear Bobby, I recommend you get something stronger than penicillin to take.”

Letter 14
“Dear Jesus, would you have dropped the atom bombs on Japan?”
Matt Gable, Baton Rouge, Louisiana
“Dear Matt, shah! Of course not! But, since you were stupid enough to actually ask me that question, I will happily drop one on you!”

Letter 15
“Dear Jesus, what would you do about steroid use in professional sports?”
Frank Brinkley, San Diego, California
“Dear Frank, I would kick the pansy asses of the offending athletes permanently out of sports. In addition, any and all statistical data or individual accomplishments of the offending athletes would be automatically negated for all time. And I wouldn’t have any of this ‘game suspension’ crap that so many sports nowadays employ. Heck no. If they test positive BAM! They’re out!”

Letter 16
“Dear Jesus, this morning I returned home from my trip to Las Vegas. While there I admit I drank huge quantities of alcohol. So much so that even right now I have a savage hangover. But that is not the worst of it. I noticed I was wearing a wedding band. I have zero recollection of the last few days of my trip, let alone getting married. I am so up the creek when my fiancé finds out. What should I do?”
Franklin Menthe, Provo, Utah
“Dear Franklin, wow! So much for what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. Well, let’s see…what to do, what to do. If you do not live with your fiancé you’ll be alright. Just make sure your home insurance is paid up; you see, your fiancé has a vengeful streak you don’t know about. If you DO live with her, I can’t help you, pal. You’re screwed.”

Letter 17
“Dear Jesus, I know my teenage son is smoking cigarettes, but try as I may I just can’t find where he is hiding his stash. What would you do?”
Annette Grogan, De Moines, Iowa
“Dear Annette, look in his sock drawer inside the balls of rolled-up socks. By the way, he hides his doobies on the top of the door frame to his closet.”

Letter 18
“Dear Jesus, I am having problems trying to beat the video game where you’ve got to commit crimes and find weapons and kill rival gangs and such. A lot of the ‘jobs’ that are supposed to be accomplished in order to go to the next level are ridiculously hard, or I get really, really close to finishing the job and then my guy dies. What would you do?”
Chad Hawke, La Mesa, Arizona
“Dear Chad, I am surprised you haven’t figured out how to use cheat codes. You have got to use cheat codes, because you don’t know what you’re missing! I have the exact same game you have and I love it! Did you know there are cheat codes for samurai swords, military tanks that can fly, jet-packs, grenade launchers, Kalashnikov rifles with never-ending ammunition, and even chainsaws? Did you know you can even put in a code where you will get your very own Harrier jet? Dude, use the cheat codes!”

Letter 19
“Dear Jesus, what would you do for a Klondike Bar?”
Amy Wren, Bismuth, North Dakota
“Dear Amy, absolutely nothing. I do not like chocolate.”

Letter 20
“Dear Jesus, I just found out that my husband of nineteen years has been cheating on me. I am crushed and don’t know what to do. What would you do?”
Georgia Atherton, Orlando, Florida
“Dear Georgia, I am so sorry you are going through such a hard time. I know how faithful you were to your husband and how much you loved him. Here’s what you do, hon. First, do not let on that you know what he’s been doing. Second, immediately empty all bank accounts you share with him and cash in all money market accounts, retirement accounts, and anything of the like. Put all of that money into a bank account somewhere in Jamaica or another Caribbean Isle banking institution. Thirdly, book yourself a flight to wherever it is you opened your account. Fourthly, empty the house of everything and sell it, put it in storage, or take it with you to your new home in the Caribbean Isles. Don’t forget to take the ice trays. Last, but certainly not least, get on that plane and don’t look back. Remember, if they cheat on you they’re not worth the tears.”

Letter 21
“Dear Jesus, my brat of a teenager kid won’t stop taking the car without my permission. The little turd doesn’t listen to anything I say and I swear I’m about to go ballistic. I try hiding my car keys, but that spawn of mine must have made a bunch of copies ‘cause he still drives off. What would you do?”
Bob Stebbins, Sallisaw, Oklahoma
“Dear Bob, put a potato or a banana in the tailpipe and he won’t get far. Other things you can do if you don’t even want him to make it out of the driveway are remove the battery, unplug the sparkplug wires (just remember which order they go back in so if you need to go somewhere you can hook it back up and it will start), remove various relays, remove necessary fuses, or remove one of the tires, leaving the vehicle on a jack (my personal favorite!).”

Letter 22
“Dear Jesus, is it possible for freewill to be reconciled with predestination?”
Tabitha Winslow, Tampico, Washington
“Dear Tabitha, absolutely not! If a final decision and outcome are known beforehand then out of logical necessity freewill cannot exist. Now, what can be known beforehand is what the available choices are…but that is all. The final outcome is never known beforehand. The only thing that can be said to be known beforehand is that there are choices, and that if one stays a particular path then a particular result is bound to or very likely to happen. I find the attempted reconciliation of these two concepts fascinating.
Here is another way with which to view this particular issue. If the principle is that a given situation or individual is predestined to specific outcomes, choices, or expressions and nothing else and not by the express choices of the prime factors but by outside influence, then it follows out of necessity that there is no freewill within or experienced by the prime factors. For example, if there is some great power ‘out there’ that dictates that something will or will not happen to X, Y, or Z, regardless of what decisions and actions X, Y, and Z take, then there cannot exist freewill for X, Y, or Z. In order for X, Y, and Z to have freewill there must not exist known and irrevocable set outcomes and consequences. Each individual must create their own set of outcomes and consequences, and even these can change by simply choosing a different set of actions.
There are many people who mistakenly believe that knowing the possibilities, probabilities, or eventualities is the same thing as predestination. It is not. Existence is of it’s own self freewill. Therefore predestination as an ideal of absolutism does not exist. Think about that one.”

Letter 23
“Dear Jesus, what is your favorite offensive play in college football?”
Kevin Hartson, St. Louis, Missouri
“Dear Kevin, my favorite offensive play in college football is the Flea Flicker.”

Letter 24
“Dear Jesus, what is your favorite television show involving cops or law enforcement?”
Jennifer Sampson, Juneau, Alaska
“Dear Jennifer, my favorite television show having to do with cops or law enforcement is Columbo. Hands down! Not only is the main character, played by Peter Faulk, smart like a fox, but he takes being irritating to a whole new level of aggravation. He is always telling the people he is investigating, “Uh, just one more thing!” I’m telling you, for my money it doesn’t get better than Columbo.”

Letter 25
“Dear Jesus, what in the world do people mean when they are talking about ‘counting cards’ in Blackjack?”
Debora Zane, Tallywood, North Carolina
“Dear Debora, what ‘counting cards’ in Blackjack means is to keep track of a negative or positive score (also known as ‘the count’) based upon the cards that have been dealt. It takes considerable practice, but it can definitely be learned and utilized to help an individual fare better while playing Blackjack. How you do it is something like this: Cards one (also known as the ace) through six all have a value of plus one. Cards seven, eight, and nine have a value of zero and are considered neutral. Ten cards and face cards (also known as court cards) have a value of negative one. For all of the cards that you see as the dealer reveals them (or deals them) you keep a mental score. For example, say the first hand in a shoe has three aces, two fours, a seven, and a ten. Each ace is a plus as are the fours. This makes a score of plus five. Remember the seven card has a value of zero so the score of plus five does not change. The ten card has a value of negative one so the score goes from plus five to plus four. Whenever ‘the count’ is a high positive count, like plus five and higher, you definitely want to raise your bet. Whenever the count is even or a negative count you want to make sure you have the absolute minimum bet out.
Now, I might be a tad bit off on the card values by a tad, to be honest. It might be that the ace through the five cards are the positive counts, the six through the eight are the neutral or zero counts, and the nine, ten, and court cards are the negative counts. I very rarely play this card game as I actually prefer Texas Hold ‘Em. So, to make sure just go to a card counting website and double check. Oh, and, if you decide to use the card counting technique don’t make it obvious by betting mega money every time you get a high positive count. Trust me, be conservative and patient. The dealers as well as the floor supervisors and pit managers know what to look for to spot card counters, and consistent mega money bets on high counts will get your butt tossed off the game or out of the casino. Don’t get greedy and want big money fast. Even though card counting is not against the law you will be asked to leave the gambling establishment you are in if you are suspected.”

Letter 26
“Dear Jesus, I want to buy a new car. Unfortunately, I am having trouble deciding between a BMW and a Mercedes Benz. What would you do?”
Alan Boyd, San Francisco, California
“Dear Alan, I would pick the car I feel and look sexier in.”

Letter 27
“Dear Jesus, I just got married yesterday and already this woman who I thought I knew is making me CRAZY! Is it going to get better? What would you do?”
Brian Somes, Emmerson, Colorado
“Dear Brian, if she is this crazy this soon you can safely bet it will not get better. In fact, it will probably get worse, much worse. Screw getting divorced. Get your marriage annulled…immediately.”

Letter 28
“Dear Jesus, I was playing baccarat and the bank went on a 13 and 0 run. I stopped betting the bank on the tenth hand and probably lost out on five hundred dollars I could have won. What would you have done?”
Baccarat Man, Las Vegas, Nevada
“Dear Baccarat, ride the pony till it stops.”

Letter 29
“Dear Jesus, my fiancé wants me to sign a prenuptial agreement. This actually surprises me a little and upsets me a lot. What would you do?”
Helen Edison, Dover, Delaware
“Dear Helen, it sounds to me like your man has some trust issues. Why should you pay for his insecurities? Keep the ring and tell him to kiss your ass.”

Letter 30
“Dear Jesus, I just can’t seem to find a good man. Most of the men that seem to have potential turn out to be dorks, intellectually embarrassing, lazy, or are simply nowhere near the people that they initially presented themselves to be. I lose interest in the men around me so quickly. Am I asking for too much in a man? Are my standards too high? What is my problem and what would you do?”
Laurel Griffin, Atlanta, Georgia
“Dear Laurel, you’re a lesbian, you silly girl! Stop trying to hook up with a man, find a woman you love, and be happy!”

Letter 31
“Dear Jesus, my wife and I divorced three years ago. Since that time my ex-wife asks me for money every month. She says it is for helping her take care of our twin boys of whom she has custody, and to help pay bills. I need her to stop asking me for money. She is the one with the good job and the custody of our boys; that in and of itself ought to be good enough. What would you do?”
Paul Smith, Juneau, Alaska
“Dear Paul, dial ‘0’ for assistance since you seem to be confused about what your responsibilities and obligations are in respect to your family.”

Letter 32
“Dear J-Man, my boss wrote me up for being an hour late to work even though I told him my alarm clock did not go off. He just would not listen to me. Then, he gave me a warning for eating at my desk. To make things even worse he only gives me two half hour breaks every six hour workday, made me pay for the office microwave I accidentally blew up when I put a burrito in for fifty minutes instead of five, and even put me back on employee probation. This guy obviously has it out for me. What should I do?”
Markus Lozenger, Helena, Montana
“Dear Markus, your letter made no goddamn sense whatsoever. Are you always like this or do you take stupid pills? Know that there is help available. Seek it.”

Letter 33
“Dear Jesus, why were the three mice blind?”
Joshua Miller, Jefferson City, Missouri
“Dear Joshua, they played with firecrackers.”

Letter 34
“Dear Jesus, what is the point of the children’s poem ‘Hey Diddle, Diddle the Cat and the Fiddle’, because I can’t figure out what the hell it is supposed to mean.”
Francis Shears, Columbus, Ohio
“Dear Francis, the point is to never do psychedelic drugs.”

Letter 35
“Dear Jesus, I thought that I was in the process of developing a relationship with this really beautiful girl where I worked a while back. I mean, nothing ever happened, but there were all the signs, you know? Flirting, lingering glances, purposely walking close or passing close so that we would touch…well, that was what it was like everyday that we worked together, and even seemed to be increasing in frequency as time went on.
Well, I tried a couple of times to broach the idea of maybe going out, but she was very non-responsive to that, almost to the point of avoidance on that particular issue. I tried stopping the flirting and it did cool down a little I suppose. Then this girl says to me, “What happened to us?” I was completely confused. She said, “We were so close and then we just seemed to go different ways. What happened?”
I was very confused for a couple of days as I thought about what to do. I finally decided to approach her and speak very plainly about how I felt about her. As soon as I became direct and indicated I would like to pursue a possible relationship with her she started getting all weird again. I stopped the flirting and all of that kind of behavior toward her. That became harder to do, though, as she began to flirt with me again. I am not the kind of person who plays emotional games with people and this was beginning to make me very angry. I didn’t want any problems. I quit the job. I tried to talk to her three separate times since then to find out what her deal was, but she will not acknowledge me. Not even a peep through e-mail. What the hell was her deal? Was I reading way too much into simple flirtation? Am I stupid? Help me on this, Jesus, because I feel totally lost on this issue.”
Lawrence Frederick, Atlanta, Georgia
“Dear Lawrence, you are not seeing this situation for what it is. That does not make you stupid, it just means you are quite naïve and somewhat ignorant…though not in a particularly bad way. You did not notice what she was doing because you are a nice guy. Nice guys figure they would never attract such a person and oftentimes errantly believe they could see that type of girl coming from a good distance and would very easily avoid her. Trust me, Lawrence, this girl is by no means whatsoever a stupid person. She knew damn well you had a thing for her and tried to use that to her own gain. She saw the kind of person you are and thought she could take advantage of you. All she wanted was an affair and your money. You left just in time. Don’t worry about her, because she sure as hell does not worry about you. She’s done this a million times. Don’t fret, Lawrence. True love is already headed in your direction.”

Letter 36
“Dear Jesus, how much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?”
Brandon Sainz, Indianapolis, Indiana
“Dear Brandon, as you know woodchucks cannot chuck wood. You just wasted paper, an envelope, ink, a stamp, and three minutes of your life to ask me a pointless and nonsensical question. If this question you asked me is anything close to an example of your normal thinking patterns you should consider psycho therapy.”

Monday, May 6, 2013

Hand-Me-Down Divinity

Only the Names and Places have Been Changed to Protect the Ignorant

          How long has the gospel of salvation of Jesus Christ be around? Approximately two thousand years. What about the biblical account of Creation when God created everything from nothing? The Creation story from the Bible has been around even longer with the 6th century BCE generally described as the time the book of Genesis came to be. What about the stories of powers and actions described in the Bible?

     You would think that something that has been hanging around for such a time would be founded in a good amount of truth because, let's face it...more than two thousand years since Genesis was introduced and the story of Jesus following not all that long after, that is a long damn time. Surely it must be true that Jesus resurrected from the dead, could heal the sick, restore vision to the blind, make the lame walk, turn water into wine, command demons to leave those they afflicted, and a host of other so-amazing-it-must-be-the-actions-of-the-divine pastimes. Surely God created the universe and everything in it from nothing just like Genesis says He did. Surely the stories in the Bible are in fact the solitary truth.

     A big question to be of the many of so-called elephants in the room that many within Bible-based faiths would rather ignore is whether or not Jesus is the ONLY divine being or person to do the things He did? Not only that, but accompanying that question is whether or not the Bible story of Creation existed before all the other stories of the same. Were there other divine beings before the emergence of Jesus who did many of the very same amazing miracles that did? Were there other deities within the history of man that were credited with creating everything from nothing? Let us take a look at a few examples of each:

Life, Death, and Rebirth

     The god Persephone was a deity that died every year and returned every year. With each new birth or emergence from death and into life she brought the cycle of seasons and farming and allowed the ground to bring for new life in the plants harvested by man for sustenance. Basically, every year Persephone emerged from death to bring life, and such was her power. The connection to Jesus is quite simple for just like Persephone overcame death in order to bring life, so did Jesus. Here are some video links for Persephone and other gods in regards to rebirth:

 Creation Stories
     The first book of the Bible in the first chapter presents one of the main foundations of Christianity and other Bible-based faiths. I find it amusing that ardent supporters of the biblical version of how everything came into existence denounce the scientific approach of evolution as nonsense and a fraudulent theory that was specifically introduced to mankind (by Satan no less) to steer man away from God, to get man to avoid the truth that the God of the Bible created the universe and everything in it. Though opponents of evolution loudly tout the gradual change from the simple to the intelligent does not explain the complexity and variations of all things living, creationists fail to see that their story that some great divine being poofed everything into existence makes no goddamn sense whatsoever.

     Here I have provided links for the many variations of the Creation myth as well as links where the evils of evolution are thrown into the mix:

Look what My God can Do

     One of the issues played upon by believers in their effort to convert their fellow man to God and to Jesus is the recitation of the many miracles noted in the Bible. The miracles are intended to be so amazing and so awe inspiring that the individual hearing these things will be compelled submit to the God of the Bible and the gospel of Jesus Christ.

     For many believers who peruse the many miracles of the Bible the miracles therein are beautiful and wonderful and nice, intended to make a person fall to their knees in appreciation and divine subjugation. I mean, if God and Jesus have the power to provide miracles in an effort to show man love and just how very much God cares, imagine what God and Jesus could do with that power if they were pissed or angry or if people refused to listen to whatever crackerjack commandments and instructions were being given.

     The miracles offered are often bizarre but this is where believers point and say, "Of course it is bizarre and mere humans. God made this impossible thing/act possible so that He could show man His mighty power and ultimate authority. The Bible says these things happened and the only way such things could happen is if God did them." Don't you just love circular reasoning?

     So, the question we ask ourselves here is whether or not any of the ancient gods participated in acts considered to be miracles that were the same or similar to those miracles recounted in the Bible. From restoring vision for the blind to raising folks from the dead he following links will take you through some of the miracles that Jesus and God supposedly performed and that were also performed by other deities of other religions:

Satan Bounced Out of Heaven

     According to Isaiah 14:12-15 Satan was cast down to earth where, again according to the Bible, Satan proceeded to seriously fuck things up. Revelation 12:9 also relates the story of Satan being cast out of heaven. So, is this story unique to the Bible? Nope.

     When the Olympian gods overthrew the ruling Titans, Zeus cast out those who were against him and banished them to Tartarus as punishment for their great sin:

     In Japanese mythology the god Susanoo was banished from heaven as punishment for his misdeeds.

     In Sumerian mythology the god Enlil was banished to the underworld for committing a crime:


     The following links provide info for pagan deities sharing the same miracle attributes with Jesus such as walking on water and  feeding a horde of people with very little food:

     I find it interesting that the basics of religion and worshiping never really change. Only the names of the deities change along with the occasional swap of power and authority. There is nothing unique and original about the Bible or God or Jesus for that matter. Humanity has heard their particular stories before. Unfortunately there are many religious folks who cannot even admit that the stories of the Bible, the miracles of the Bible, and the use of power by God and Jesus in the Bible are nothing more than borrowed and hand-me-down spiritual poppycock.

For a copy of the Biblical Myth Table of Elements go to: