Saturday, May 25, 2013

Deferring to Jesus

     Have no fear, oh adherents of Christianity! If you ever fail or do not know what to do Jesus can help. In fact, here is some advice that Jesus recently laid out for his groupies.

What I Would Do
By: Jesus

I saw the funniest thing the other day while shopping in a gag gifts shop. Are you familiar with the little eight-ball thingies that give you answers when you ask them questions and then turn them upside down? I saw one of those, but instead of being set in an eight-ball it was set in a little pink statue of me. The answers the little pink me offered were “I Would”, “Hell No”, “Maybe”, “It Is Possible”, “I Wouldn’t”, and “Only If No One Is Watching”.
Since so many people are so interested in what I would do and what my opinions and thoughts are on various issues I will tell you. I will do this by presenting some of the correspondences sent to me asking questions. I will relay the answers I gave to each questioning individual. Please keep in mind that these letters have no particular order and I number them for simplicity’s sake.
Letter 1
“Dear Jesus, my car has recently been impounded again. What should I do?”
John Harper, Topeka, Kansas
“Dear John, stop driving without insurance, you ninny!”

Letter 2
“Deer Geezus, Gas is got real ‘spensive, an I cain’t nary afford to take the brats tuh skool. Whut shold I do?”
Thad Pickens, Vail, Arkansas
“Dear Thad, buy a horse, because if your road sign reading skills are as bad as your writing skills you should not be driving.”

Letter 3
“Dear Jesus, I think the cops in my area are trying to harass me. I have received sixteen speeding tickets this week alone. What should I do?”
Stephanie Glenn, Los Angeles, California
“Dear Steph, slow the fuck down!”

Letter 4
“Dear Jesus, I have stopped smoking crack but things are not progressing like I hoped they would. What do you recommend I do?”
Barron Rickson, Los Banos, California
“Dear Barron, I recommend you stop popping the pills. You did stop the crack and I am proud of you for that. But, then you replaced the crack with valium. You cannot replace one bad habit for another and expect good results.”

Letter 5
“Dear Jesus, I am very frustrated with the programming on cable television. Whenever I don’t have cable all the good shows and movies are on. Whenever I do have cable the silver screen suddenly loses all concepts of reasonable and interesting shows. What the heck would you do?”
Russell Speelock, Providence, Rhode Island
“Dear Russell, if you know that every time you subscribe to cable that the programming takes a nose-dive then don’t subscribe to the freaking cable. Get one of those special little ‘black boxes’ that hawk the cable signal for free. You won’t be paying for cable then and it stands to reason that the programming will still be great.”

Letter 6
“Dear Jesus, I don’t know exactly what my problem is. What I do know is I have a real problem finishing projects or various activities that I start. Sometimes I do get really, really close to finishing a project…and then I crap out. Am I stupid or what? What do you recommend?”
Worried and Anxious, Passamahquaddy, North Dakota
“Dear Worried, you’re stupid. First you say you don’t know what your problem is. Then you say you have a problem finishing the projects you start. I recommend lithium at high doses.”

Letter 7
“Dear Big Man, my seventeen year old son is considering joining the military. This scares the hell out of me considering that as years go by it seems like America is fighting a whole bunch of other peoples’ wars. My son is so young and so smart. I am scared to my very core for him. What can be done?”
Gorsky Spvotnik, Boise, Idaho
“Dear Gorsky, I know how you feel, I really do. I know it is difficult to watch your children grow and start making their own choices. In the end, we must allow our children to make their own choices. Sometimes what we think is good for them isn’t good for them, much less something they want. If that answer doesn’t help, well, break your son’s legs. Both of them. He won’t be going anywhere for a while then. Plus, if he is somehow permanently maimed the military will not allow him in. Think about that one.”

Letter 8
“Dear Jesus, I was gambling the other day at one of the local Native American gambling establishments where I live. I like playing cards and so I set up shop at one of the Paigow tables. I changed in five hundred dollars and prepared to enjoy a night of gambling. Within eight minutes I burned through the five hundred and had to go to the ATM to get more money. I lost a whopping sixteen thousand dollars that night. How could this happen? I’ll tell you how…the dealers cheat! I know they change the cards when I look away, that their shuffle machine purposely stacks the cards in favor of the dealer, and that if the dealer does not like a certain player that player will consistently lose. I do not know who to contact about this serious problem. Do I go to the casino security, casino Human Resources, or the casino Gaming Commission? What would you do?”
Jose Delgado-Cruz, Sacramento, California
“Dear Jose, if I were you I think I would hang myself, you moron. Do you really think the gambling business was built on winners? Tell you what, why don’t you go and sell a kidney, triple mortgage your home, and then blow all the money in five minutes of play at a Casino War table to make your circle of stupidity complete.”

Letter 9
“Dear Jesus, I recently had a discussion with a friend of mine concerning who people should vote for in the upcoming elections. I said I was not going to vote for any of the good-for-nothing, shit-for-brains politicians. My friend said that not voting was a cop out and that if I do not vote I have zero right to complain. In my personal opinion I would rather abstain from voting rather than cast a ballot for people I never wish to be in charge. I told my friend I did not care to vote for such terrible politicians. What would you do in my position?”
Reanna Wilson, San Antonio, Texas
“Dear Reanna, I would bitch-slap your friend and then remind them that people who thought they were voting for the lesser evil in the 2000 U.S. Presidential Elections are now kicking themselves. The spawn of number forty-one sure as hell fucked things up now, didn’t he?”

Letter 10
“Dear Jesus, my kids and I were trying to count how many times the ‘f’ word is said in the movie Scarface. We keep losing count at about forty-three. What would you do?”
Jerry Nolan, Anaconda, Florida
“Dear Jerry, I would give up trying to count how many times the ‘f’ word is said in that movie. Time and again I myself have tried to count how many times it is said. I almost always lose count at about thirty-three. So, you have done better than me, actually. Be happy with that and move on.”

Letter 11
“Dear Jesus, I love playing Blackjack, but sometimes I get confused about the rules. If you had a pair of eights and the dealer is showing a six what would you do?”
Devin Merrick, Lebanon, Missouri
“Dear Devin, eights and aces are the only pairs in Blackjack that always split. Keep in mind this goes for single deck, double deck, four deck, and six deck Blackjack games.”

Letter 12
“Dear Jesus, I am always a dollar short and a day late. If you were in my shoes what would you do?”
Kellen Walch, Fort Belvoir, Virginia
“Dear Kellen, first I would take off your shoes and change your socks. They smell like rancid cheese. Then, I would sent out an extra payment a day early.”

Letter 13
“Dear Jesus, I have had this itching for three straight weeks now. It is driving me up the friggin’ wall! What should I do?”
Bobby Locke, Candlewick, Oregon
“Dear Bobby, I recommend you get something stronger than penicillin to take.”

Letter 14
“Dear Jesus, would you have dropped the atom bombs on Japan?”
Matt Gable, Baton Rouge, Louisiana
“Dear Matt, shah! Of course not! But, since you were stupid enough to actually ask me that question, I will happily drop one on you!”

Letter 15
“Dear Jesus, what would you do about steroid use in professional sports?”
Frank Brinkley, San Diego, California
“Dear Frank, I would kick the pansy asses of the offending athletes permanently out of sports. In addition, any and all statistical data or individual accomplishments of the offending athletes would be automatically negated for all time. And I wouldn’t have any of this ‘game suspension’ crap that so many sports nowadays employ. Heck no. If they test positive BAM! They’re out!”

Letter 16
“Dear Jesus, this morning I returned home from my trip to Las Vegas. While there I admit I drank huge quantities of alcohol. So much so that even right now I have a savage hangover. But that is not the worst of it. I noticed I was wearing a wedding band. I have zero recollection of the last few days of my trip, let alone getting married. I am so up the creek when my fiancé finds out. What should I do?”
Franklin Menthe, Provo, Utah
“Dear Franklin, wow! So much for what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. Well, let’s see…what to do, what to do. If you do not live with your fiancé you’ll be alright. Just make sure your home insurance is paid up; you see, your fiancé has a vengeful streak you don’t know about. If you DO live with her, I can’t help you, pal. You’re screwed.”

Letter 17
“Dear Jesus, I know my teenage son is smoking cigarettes, but try as I may I just can’t find where he is hiding his stash. What would you do?”
Annette Grogan, De Moines, Iowa
“Dear Annette, look in his sock drawer inside the balls of rolled-up socks. By the way, he hides his doobies on the top of the door frame to his closet.”

Letter 18
“Dear Jesus, I am having problems trying to beat the video game where you’ve got to commit crimes and find weapons and kill rival gangs and such. A lot of the ‘jobs’ that are supposed to be accomplished in order to go to the next level are ridiculously hard, or I get really, really close to finishing the job and then my guy dies. What would you do?”
Chad Hawke, La Mesa, Arizona
“Dear Chad, I am surprised you haven’t figured out how to use cheat codes. You have got to use cheat codes, because you don’t know what you’re missing! I have the exact same game you have and I love it! Did you know there are cheat codes for samurai swords, military tanks that can fly, jet-packs, grenade launchers, Kalashnikov rifles with never-ending ammunition, and even chainsaws? Did you know you can even put in a code where you will get your very own Harrier jet? Dude, use the cheat codes!”

Letter 19
“Dear Jesus, what would you do for a Klondike Bar?”
Amy Wren, Bismuth, North Dakota
“Dear Amy, absolutely nothing. I do not like chocolate.”

Letter 20
“Dear Jesus, I just found out that my husband of nineteen years has been cheating on me. I am crushed and don’t know what to do. What would you do?”
Georgia Atherton, Orlando, Florida
“Dear Georgia, I am so sorry you are going through such a hard time. I know how faithful you were to your husband and how much you loved him. Here’s what you do, hon. First, do not let on that you know what he’s been doing. Second, immediately empty all bank accounts you share with him and cash in all money market accounts, retirement accounts, and anything of the like. Put all of that money into a bank account somewhere in Jamaica or another Caribbean Isle banking institution. Thirdly, book yourself a flight to wherever it is you opened your account. Fourthly, empty the house of everything and sell it, put it in storage, or take it with you to your new home in the Caribbean Isles. Don’t forget to take the ice trays. Last, but certainly not least, get on that plane and don’t look back. Remember, if they cheat on you they’re not worth the tears.”

Letter 21
“Dear Jesus, my brat of a teenager kid won’t stop taking the car without my permission. The little turd doesn’t listen to anything I say and I swear I’m about to go ballistic. I try hiding my car keys, but that spawn of mine must have made a bunch of copies ‘cause he still drives off. What would you do?”
Bob Stebbins, Sallisaw, Oklahoma
“Dear Bob, put a potato or a banana in the tailpipe and he won’t get far. Other things you can do if you don’t even want him to make it out of the driveway are remove the battery, unplug the sparkplug wires (just remember which order they go back in so if you need to go somewhere you can hook it back up and it will start), remove various relays, remove necessary fuses, or remove one of the tires, leaving the vehicle on a jack (my personal favorite!).”

Letter 22
“Dear Jesus, is it possible for freewill to be reconciled with predestination?”
Tabitha Winslow, Tampico, Washington
“Dear Tabitha, absolutely not! If a final decision and outcome are known beforehand then out of logical necessity freewill cannot exist. Now, what can be known beforehand is what the available choices are…but that is all. The final outcome is never known beforehand. The only thing that can be said to be known beforehand is that there are choices, and that if one stays a particular path then a particular result is bound to or very likely to happen. I find the attempted reconciliation of these two concepts fascinating.
Here is another way with which to view this particular issue. If the principle is that a given situation or individual is predestined to specific outcomes, choices, or expressions and nothing else and not by the express choices of the prime factors but by outside influence, then it follows out of necessity that there is no freewill within or experienced by the prime factors. For example, if there is some great power ‘out there’ that dictates that something will or will not happen to X, Y, or Z, regardless of what decisions and actions X, Y, and Z take, then there cannot exist freewill for X, Y, or Z. In order for X, Y, and Z to have freewill there must not exist known and irrevocable set outcomes and consequences. Each individual must create their own set of outcomes and consequences, and even these can change by simply choosing a different set of actions.
There are many people who mistakenly believe that knowing the possibilities, probabilities, or eventualities is the same thing as predestination. It is not. Existence is of it’s own self freewill. Therefore predestination as an ideal of absolutism does not exist. Think about that one.”

Letter 23
“Dear Jesus, what is your favorite offensive play in college football?”
Kevin Hartson, St. Louis, Missouri
“Dear Kevin, my favorite offensive play in college football is the Flea Flicker.”

Letter 24
“Dear Jesus, what is your favorite television show involving cops or law enforcement?”
Jennifer Sampson, Juneau, Alaska
“Dear Jennifer, my favorite television show having to do with cops or law enforcement is Columbo. Hands down! Not only is the main character, played by Peter Faulk, smart like a fox, but he takes being irritating to a whole new level of aggravation. He is always telling the people he is investigating, “Uh, just one more thing!” I’m telling you, for my money it doesn’t get better than Columbo.”

Letter 25
“Dear Jesus, what in the world do people mean when they are talking about ‘counting cards’ in Blackjack?”
Debora Zane, Tallywood, North Carolina
“Dear Debora, what ‘counting cards’ in Blackjack means is to keep track of a negative or positive score (also known as ‘the count’) based upon the cards that have been dealt. It takes considerable practice, but it can definitely be learned and utilized to help an individual fare better while playing Blackjack. How you do it is something like this: Cards one (also known as the ace) through six all have a value of plus one. Cards seven, eight, and nine have a value of zero and are considered neutral. Ten cards and face cards (also known as court cards) have a value of negative one. For all of the cards that you see as the dealer reveals them (or deals them) you keep a mental score. For example, say the first hand in a shoe has three aces, two fours, a seven, and a ten. Each ace is a plus as are the fours. This makes a score of plus five. Remember the seven card has a value of zero so the score of plus five does not change. The ten card has a value of negative one so the score goes from plus five to plus four. Whenever ‘the count’ is a high positive count, like plus five and higher, you definitely want to raise your bet. Whenever the count is even or a negative count you want to make sure you have the absolute minimum bet out.
Now, I might be a tad bit off on the card values by a tad, to be honest. It might be that the ace through the five cards are the positive counts, the six through the eight are the neutral or zero counts, and the nine, ten, and court cards are the negative counts. I very rarely play this card game as I actually prefer Texas Hold ‘Em. So, to make sure just go to a card counting website and double check. Oh, and, if you decide to use the card counting technique don’t make it obvious by betting mega money every time you get a high positive count. Trust me, be conservative and patient. The dealers as well as the floor supervisors and pit managers know what to look for to spot card counters, and consistent mega money bets on high counts will get your butt tossed off the game or out of the casino. Don’t get greedy and want big money fast. Even though card counting is not against the law you will be asked to leave the gambling establishment you are in if you are suspected.”

Letter 26
“Dear Jesus, I want to buy a new car. Unfortunately, I am having trouble deciding between a BMW and a Mercedes Benz. What would you do?”
Alan Boyd, San Francisco, California
“Dear Alan, I would pick the car I feel and look sexier in.”

Letter 27
“Dear Jesus, I just got married yesterday and already this woman who I thought I knew is making me CRAZY! Is it going to get better? What would you do?”
Brian Somes, Emmerson, Colorado
“Dear Brian, if she is this crazy this soon you can safely bet it will not get better. In fact, it will probably get worse, much worse. Screw getting divorced. Get your marriage annulled…immediately.”

Letter 28
“Dear Jesus, I was playing baccarat and the bank went on a 13 and 0 run. I stopped betting the bank on the tenth hand and probably lost out on five hundred dollars I could have won. What would you have done?”
Baccarat Man, Las Vegas, Nevada
“Dear Baccarat, ride the pony till it stops.”

Letter 29
“Dear Jesus, my fiancé wants me to sign a prenuptial agreement. This actually surprises me a little and upsets me a lot. What would you do?”
Helen Edison, Dover, Delaware
“Dear Helen, it sounds to me like your man has some trust issues. Why should you pay for his insecurities? Keep the ring and tell him to kiss your ass.”

Letter 30
“Dear Jesus, I just can’t seem to find a good man. Most of the men that seem to have potential turn out to be dorks, intellectually embarrassing, lazy, or are simply nowhere near the people that they initially presented themselves to be. I lose interest in the men around me so quickly. Am I asking for too much in a man? Are my standards too high? What is my problem and what would you do?”
Laurel Griffin, Atlanta, Georgia
“Dear Laurel, you’re a lesbian, you silly girl! Stop trying to hook up with a man, find a woman you love, and be happy!”

Letter 31
“Dear Jesus, my wife and I divorced three years ago. Since that time my ex-wife asks me for money every month. She says it is for helping her take care of our twin boys of whom she has custody, and to help pay bills. I need her to stop asking me for money. She is the one with the good job and the custody of our boys; that in and of itself ought to be good enough. What would you do?”
Paul Smith, Juneau, Alaska
“Dear Paul, dial ‘0’ for assistance since you seem to be confused about what your responsibilities and obligations are in respect to your family.”

Letter 32
“Dear J-Man, my boss wrote me up for being an hour late to work even though I told him my alarm clock did not go off. He just would not listen to me. Then, he gave me a warning for eating at my desk. To make things even worse he only gives me two half hour breaks every six hour workday, made me pay for the office microwave I accidentally blew up when I put a burrito in for fifty minutes instead of five, and even put me back on employee probation. This guy obviously has it out for me. What should I do?”
Markus Lozenger, Helena, Montana
“Dear Markus, your letter made no goddamn sense whatsoever. Are you always like this or do you take stupid pills? Know that there is help available. Seek it.”

Letter 33
“Dear Jesus, why were the three mice blind?”
Joshua Miller, Jefferson City, Missouri
“Dear Joshua, they played with firecrackers.”

Letter 34
“Dear Jesus, what is the point of the children’s poem ‘Hey Diddle, Diddle the Cat and the Fiddle’, because I can’t figure out what the hell it is supposed to mean.”
Francis Shears, Columbus, Ohio
“Dear Francis, the point is to never do psychedelic drugs.”

Letter 35
“Dear Jesus, I thought that I was in the process of developing a relationship with this really beautiful girl where I worked a while back. I mean, nothing ever happened, but there were all the signs, you know? Flirting, lingering glances, purposely walking close or passing close so that we would touch…well, that was what it was like everyday that we worked together, and even seemed to be increasing in frequency as time went on.
Well, I tried a couple of times to broach the idea of maybe going out, but she was very non-responsive to that, almost to the point of avoidance on that particular issue. I tried stopping the flirting and it did cool down a little I suppose. Then this girl says to me, “What happened to us?” I was completely confused. She said, “We were so close and then we just seemed to go different ways. What happened?”
I was very confused for a couple of days as I thought about what to do. I finally decided to approach her and speak very plainly about how I felt about her. As soon as I became direct and indicated I would like to pursue a possible relationship with her she started getting all weird again. I stopped the flirting and all of that kind of behavior toward her. That became harder to do, though, as she began to flirt with me again. I am not the kind of person who plays emotional games with people and this was beginning to make me very angry. I didn’t want any problems. I quit the job. I tried to talk to her three separate times since then to find out what her deal was, but she will not acknowledge me. Not even a peep through e-mail. What the hell was her deal? Was I reading way too much into simple flirtation? Am I stupid? Help me on this, Jesus, because I feel totally lost on this issue.”
Lawrence Frederick, Atlanta, Georgia
“Dear Lawrence, you are not seeing this situation for what it is. That does not make you stupid, it just means you are quite naïve and somewhat ignorant…though not in a particularly bad way. You did not notice what she was doing because you are a nice guy. Nice guys figure they would never attract such a person and oftentimes errantly believe they could see that type of girl coming from a good distance and would very easily avoid her. Trust me, Lawrence, this girl is by no means whatsoever a stupid person. She knew damn well you had a thing for her and tried to use that to her own gain. She saw the kind of person you are and thought she could take advantage of you. All she wanted was an affair and your money. You left just in time. Don’t worry about her, because she sure as hell does not worry about you. She’s done this a million times. Don’t fret, Lawrence. True love is already headed in your direction.”

Letter 36
“Dear Jesus, how much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?”
Brandon Sainz, Indianapolis, Indiana
“Dear Brandon, as you know woodchucks cannot chuck wood. You just wasted paper, an envelope, ink, a stamp, and three minutes of your life to ask me a pointless and nonsensical question. If this question you asked me is anything close to an example of your normal thinking patterns you should consider psycho therapy.”

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